Saturday, July 29, 2006

I remember sneaking illegal substances past the border guard....

I had traveled alone on a Greyhound bus down to San Francisco for a vacation back in 1989. My friend was working there, and she hooked me up with all the great parties. I have a few memories from this trip, they'll probably work into other blog entries....but for now, I'm thinking about the ride back.

My friend, D., happened to be in Frisco doing some band business (she was a promoter for alternative and punk bands). It made way more sense for me to travel back with her in her van than to buy another Greyhound ticket! D. planned to drive back all in one shot, using speed to help her stay alert on the road. My job as navigator was to mix the speed into our drinks and keep an eye out for the cops (I had to stay awake, too, to help D. stay awake!!). We drove too fast, listened to loud punk rock music, we waved at cute boys in other cars...it was quite a trip.

We pulled up near the border in the very middle of the darkness of the night. The speed was all gone, no problem there...but there was a bit of marijuana that we planned on smoking once we got home so we could fall asleep. What to do? Obviously, I wasn't thinking that clearly anymore, and I suggested that we hide it. I took D.'s little garbage can by the driver's seat, dumped it on the ground, then took a nondescript dark plastic container out from the midst of the refuse. I stashed the weed in the container, dumped all the garbage back into the can and put it back by the seat. "There! He'll never see it." We felt very clever.

When we got to the border, the guard took one look at us, all tattooed and wild-eyed, and told us to pull over. I can tell you honestly that I wasn't nervous at all. We sat side by side on a little bench while he proceeded to go through every box and bag and suitcase in the van. As he came across all the band merchandise that D. had, he was very suspicious--the one band, Lard, had given D. baggies of actual lard to use as band promotional material. We could see the guard hold up the baggie full of a white square like he'd hit the jackpot....we saw him open the baggy, stick his finger into the lard, then taste it to see what drug it was....it was all we could do to keep from screaming with laughter!

After about half an hour of fruitless searching, he let us go. I promptly rolled a big joint as soon as we were on the Canadian highway, and we toasted each other's good fortune.

This story. I don't know how to tell it. I look at it now, and I am amazed that we didn't end up with a huge fine or a criminal record. I feel like I should turn it into a morality tale of how bad drugs are....but I just can't. Don't get me wrong...I think drugs stole the best part of my brain, and I have no desire to do them again--yes, kids, they are bad. But this story! We got away with it! We stuck it to the man!! No other experience I've had can match the glowing feeling of invincibility we had as we smoked that weed on the last leg of the journey home.

11 comments:

papa herman said...

I can't believe that he actually stuck his finger into the lard and tasted it!

I would have laughed too.

What? They never trained the border guards that someone might try to poison them?



So your friend was promoter for Lard? I have never seen Lard play, but I did see Al Jourgensen with Ministry (in their way-early days) when they opened for Madness one time.

Kim said...

Amazing story! I would never have tried anything so daring - way too fearful.

Paula said...

Papa Herman, she brought bands up to Vancouver and did some work with Alternative Tentacles...so she didn't actually work FOR Lard, but had access to their band merch. and promotional stuff.

And Kim? You are supPOSED to be fearful of breaking the law so heinously. LOL! And that's why we don't do drugs, kids.

Spoke said...

Drugs make you do silly things...
being a Border cop makes you do sillier things...apparently.

Kim said...

Hey! Someone else has my name! (Like my name is so uncommon, I know).

Yeah, Paula, most stories in life don't really have a nice tidy moral. It's part of the reason so many trite Christian drama's annoy me, they aren't real and sometimes you do get away with it. Makes people believe that if they do get away with something, maybe it's an okay thing they did because no one is ever supposed to get away with the bad stuff. We live in a broken world, if no one ever got away with bad stuff, we'd live in the Truman Show.

Can I say that even though it was wrong, I'm glad you don't have a criminal record, that's something that just keeps coming back to you in life.

RC said...

wow, i can't believe he stuck his finger in it either...

and i appreciate your story telling that lets your stories be what they are, with out the need for redeeming every story or memory, rather letting it exist in its own way.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

delynne said...

wow that's quite the story. I'm not even sure what to say about it, just wow. you were lucky. in many ways.

Pondering Pig said...

That's a GREAT story Miss. Now, if you would just peacefully put your wrists out so we can handcuff them together, no one's going to have any trouble.

As for me, I believe the bit about the lard - I remember in the Sixties having a friend tell me to hide our stash in a big jar of peanut butter. They'll NEVER look there!

But I can't believe you guys actually drove non-stop from San Francisco to the Canadian border. At my current age, I think I would prefer the Chinese water torture. I think long drives are the world's most boring activity, irrespective of cute boys (or girls) in other cars.

RadioSilence said...

Lard....mmmm tasty....haha...What was the look on his face once he realized what he had eaten?

Paula said...

At first he looked confused...and then he looked REALLY confused. And then a little angry and embarassed.

My Own Lamp Post said...

Just the kind of visual humor that would make me pee my pants! I'm chuckling. So that dope stealing your brain - yeah, I remember the day pot stole a piece of my mine - Nova Scotia weed, bad stuff, I actually felt the brain cells die, and would you believe I've never been this scatter brained? SAY NO TO DOPE, DOPE! That was of course the last time I ever touched the stuff. Lard! ha ha