I remember a moment of clarity, when I first realized that my life was empty and meaningless. I was at a gig, can't even remember what band, but I think it was at the Town Pump in Vancouver. The place was packed, and I knew over 50 per cent of the people there. This was my scene, and I felt like the queen. I didn't have to pay to get in, I could go back-stage if I wanted, I knew ALL the "cool people". But as I was looking around, it's like a light went on. The thought entered my head: "If I were to get sick and end up in the hospital, how many of these friends would come visit me?" I knew the answer. None of them. And I had no other friends. If I died, how many of these people would care? Actually cry about it? None of them. I was pouring all my energy into relationships that were not based on love and care, but on social standing and work opportunities. I was shallow! I was ugly inside!! The funny thing is that I was shocked by that.
I walked around the rest of the evening in a daze, trying to stare into everybody, realizing that I didn't really know any of them. I was overwhelmed with a deep and stabbing loneliness that lasted for over six months.